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Read full profile. T R U S T—a simple five-letter word. Yet one that carries so much weight. Trust is the soul of any relationship. It is the super glue that binds it together. Lack of trust, however, creates just the opposite effect. It causes untold psychological distress. It turns you into a spy as you search for clues that will validate your suspicions. It pits you against your worst insecurities. It makes you sick and hypervigilant; it keeps you up at nights wondering, Am I not good enough?
Is it my fault? Is everything we have a sham? What will people think? If your trust has been shredded, you might feel hopeless. But, there is good news. A relationship that has been tarnished by a betrayal can be saved. As Jennice Vilhauer, Ph. D, writes in her article in Psychology Today: . Like a masterful tapestry, relationships are colossally multiplex. Understand that trust was broken because something in the relationship was broken. Are you willing to invest the time and effort it takes to salvage what took you years to build?
Are you willing to find the missing pieces that made the relationship crumble?
When a betrayal occurs, it feels cataclysmic. Emotions are fragile, fingers are pointed, and a war of sorts ensues. But no event that big is born in a vacuum. Things happen for a reason. To gain clarity, you must dig deep. Was there something that should have been addressed, but ignored instead? Talk to your partner. Find out what happened and why. You are going to be angry, no doubt, but if you want to reconcile, you must listen.
The answers will often reveal the corrosion poisoning the relationship prior to The Event. The betrayal was the symptom, not the actual problem. They must also care enough to want to put forth the effort that is required to make the relationship work again. People do things for different reasons.
Usually, those reasons are ificant and rational to the person doing them. Sometimes, an outsider does the job that the other partner is failing to do. His wife is nothing short of an accessory in his life. Motivation plays an important role on whether or not your relationship can be saved. Neglect, an unsatisfactory sex life, anger, lack of commitment—they can all lead to infidelity.
You might blame yourself for what happened, maybe even had a part in it. Then again, you may have had nothing to do with it. In an article by A. Pawlowski, she states: . How valuable is your relationship to you? Once the dust settles after the infidelity, ask yourself these questions:. Will I be able to do what it takes to get through this crisis? If you answered yes to those questions, then despite the long road ahead, it will be a worthy endeavor. If you are committed to each other, willing to examine the situation, and work on rectifying it, it is possible to pull through and come out on the other side.
Once you commit, forge ahead. In some instances, regaining trust and working through an affair might be too difficult a challenge. Tell me everything! I want all the details. Outside help is an invaluable tool. And this is exactly what you need at a fragile juncture such as the one with which you are dealing. Find out more about this here: Is Relationship Counselling for You? Find Your Answer Here. All is not forgiven. The victim can start using that to their advantage.
Because of what happened, the hurt party feels entitled, and maybe even becomes a little punishing. In order to really get beyond The Event, there has to be forgiveness. On both sides. The betrayer may be feel so guilty that they can barely stand themselves. My son required jaw surgery when he was 19 years old. It was quite a painful ordeal. He could only eat soft foods through a little syringe in his mouth. It took a good month and a half before his jaw was healed. Unfortunately, betrayal is not like jaw surgery. To mend a broken heart requires the skill of a surgeon and lots of time.
Take it one loving step at a time. Talk things out when necessary. In order to regain trust, the guilty party needs to be absolutely transparent.
The betrayed cannot think for a minute that there are any secrets. Secrecy will create further distrust. As a trust trasher, there is a lot of mending to do.
Put aside the fact that you feel like your privacy is being invaded. You will need to re-earn their trust, so be open. If you are the person who has betrayed your partner, you must cut all ties with the interloper. That means no phone calls, no texts, no s, no coffee dates. No contact means no contact. Your partner deserves that. You may have had your reasons for doing what you did, but have a better reason for rebuilding your relationship. That means, do not keep bringing up what happened. That will only serve to re-open the wound. Imagine severely cutting yourself. You get multiple stitches, and get it bandaged up.
Instead of letting it heal, you keep taking off the bandage, and ripping off the stitches, just to look at the damage. If you truly want your relationship to become solid again, put the affair in the past, and leave it there. Learn from what happened, make the necessary adjustments, then proceed onward. Talking about it ad nauseam will only keep the pain alive. Say what you mean and mean what you say. At this point, irreversible damage can be done. Be consistent, reliable, and honest. After the Event, it is easy to get buried in the rubble; difficult to pull yourselves out.
There were good years prior to the betrayal, right? Now, it is time to pull from that reserve.How to trust someone again in a relationship
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How To Trust Someone Again After They Hurt You – Expert Advice